My Beach Boy

Adolescence. Hmm.

How about this, taken from the book, Masterminds & Wingmen by Rosalind Wisemen...
'Boys should want to act heroically at certain points in their lives. Being independent and self-reliant, getting up after having been knocked down - these are absolutely critical skills. But because these characters never show sadness, fear, anxiety, or obvious enthusiasm and love, they constantly teach and reinforce that boys should limit their emotions, and they even tell boys which ones they're allowed to have. They don't show how a man should speak out in a morally complex situation when his loyalties are torn between friends and ethics.'

Wisemen is talking here about superheroes (characters) and how their toy action figure counter parts are muscular, tough and expressionless and how they are much the same in the movies. She goes on to explain that it isn't just our portrayals of superheroes but that most adults in the lives of boys also nurture and reinforce these limitations on their emotional ranges as well.

Yikes. Oh heaven, help!

So much to think about during this stage of parenting. I feel like there is so much to learn in so little time!

Some days there are just prayers that their resiliency takes over to compensate for any and all mistakes I am making as a parent. Trusting you for help here, Lord.

I love this beach boy.

Huntington Beach 1/2/14

Smell The Roses ... And The Burgers

Yay technology - I took this shot with my cell phone (no edits)!

Ahh. The sights, sounds and smells of life. If only Dawson could actually smell things...or breathe and eat with his mouth closed...or sleep without snoring...if only. Well maybe. Maybe now that he had surgery on adenoids and turbinates this week. 

Do you know where YOUR turbintates are?

In short, this was a simple surgery to alleviate sinus pressure from years and years of allergy suffering. His adenoids (back and top of the throat) and turbinates (side of the nose) were kind of in an unnecessary permanent swollen state.While the surgery won't do anything for his allergies, it should improve airflow in his nose and the back of his throat. We should know the full extent of this surgery's success in the next couple weeks when the absorbable gauze packing is gone and healing is complete. 

Dawson asked the nurse, 'So you are going to numb my arm from a shot (IV site) with another shot (numbing site)?'
She explained that yes, this is but one of the many conundrums of life
and that this is her first time injecting and hopes she can do it right.
Gratefully, there were no grumpy nurses here, only fun ones.

Post surgery, Dawson was alarmed that hours passed between waking and remembering conversations. I did assure him that he must not have said anything awful because on our way out, several nurses commented on what a sweet guy he is. The morphine laced conversation on the way home was pretty funny as was his attempt to walk on wobbly legs in the parking lot for our milkshake stop.

He reported that he was able to smell the burgers at In-N-Out later that same night and he can now occasionally take a full breath through his nose - even though the gauze is still crammed in there. We are hoping for the best, because even Dawson says, sometimes you just have to stop and smell the roses.

Should be back to the beach in no time.
(photo by Rose Ruppert 7/13)

In Search of Grayt Hair

"Women are hungry. We are hungry for authenticity and simplicity and vulnerability. We are hungry for assessibility and connectivity and humility. We are hungry for integrity and we are hungry for gritty change." ~Ann Voskamp

I started finding gray hair at age 22 and started coloring a few years later.

So much internal stuff to be worked out through this process of transitioning to natural haircolor. Who knew this would be SUCH a journey. Ours is a culture that WORSHIPS youth and tries to ignore aging or views aging as an awful thing. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting what is going to happen anyway. Harmony seeker all the way.

December 2012 was the last time I dyed my hair. The decision was made before I read the book, 'Where'd You Go, Bernadette?' by Maria Semple but by the time I finished reading it, and certainly after my bookclub discussion on this book in January 2013, the decision was CEMENTED. That was when I vowed to do this thing.

I lived in the Seattle area for 15 years. I guess that was long enough for me to identify as a Seattleite because I was SO offended by the main character's hatred of Seattle. Read this article - it explains things better than I could.

The long and short of gray hair: Is it true Seattle women never dye?

Seattle finally got its Portlandia moment last summer with the publication of “Where’d You Go, Bernadette,” the comedic best-seller (and upcoming movie) by Maria Semple.  The book’s main character, Bernadette — a recent transplant to Seattle from Los Angeles — has nothing but disdain for her adopted hometown.  She skewers Seattleites as a polar-fleece-clad, smugly progressive bunch of elitists.  And she finds the women here to be styleless and drab.  Of all Bernadette’s scathing wisecracks about Seattle, this one was probably the most-often repeated in book reviews:

There are two hairstyles here: short gray hair and long gray hair.  You go into a salon asking for color, and they flap their elbows and cluck, “Oh goody, we never get to do color!”

It’s a funny joke, but how true is it?  Compared with women in other cities, are Seattle women more likely to stay gray after they go gray?

As it turns out, Bernadette may be on to something.  Data from Experian Marketing Services show that, out of the 31 U.S. metropolitan areas with at least 1 million women, Seattle is one of just three that ranks in the bottom 10 for both home and professional hair coloring.  Seattle women rank 25th for use of home-coloring products and 24th for professional coloring or highlighting.  The other two metro areas that rank in the bottom 10 for both are Charlotte, N.C., and Baltimore, Md.  Just one place ranks in the top 10 for both hair-dye categories — Miami.

So maybe there is some truth about Seattle women not coloring their hair.  But shouldn’t that be a point of pride?  After all, it takes some confidence to not try to hide your age.  And gray or not, most mature women in Seattle do feel good about how they look.  In national surveys conducted by market data firm Scarborough Research, 71.9 percent of women over age 40 in Seattle said they were “somewhat or mostly content” with their appearance.  Out of the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the country, that ranks Seattle women third for feeling good about their appearance.

Take that, Bernadette!
Posted by Gene Balk

The biggest help for me, so far, has been the stumbling on of the Silver Sisters Cafe Gray website. http://w11.zetaboards.com/Cafe_Gray/index/ 

Most days I feel like I am THE ONLY PERSON in all of southern California who is trying to ditch hair color until I visit this site. While this 'movement' feels invisible in my little world, the women on this site, throughout the country (and even other parts of the globe) help me to realize I'm not the only one. I'm still seeking a gray-friendly hair stylist and Silver Sisters of the real variety as opposed to the virtual ones. But for now, thank goodness for the internet. I can go here to complain about comments from friends, family and strangers, see photos of other women in this process, get tips on products, changing wardrobes, hairstyles and makeup, look up others in my vicinity, get validity on how hard this really is to do but how worth it - it will be and mostly to soak up the encouragement. The diversity in The Cafe is rich with different ages (starting in their 30's), locations, reasons and personalities. 

Here I am, the only one among friends in this Halloween photo, to be in transition,
to even have gray silver hair or to be in hair-dye-hate.

Progress so far, after 1 year (age 44) ...

.

And by the way, it is NEVER gray, it is always SILVER. Ha ha.

A Whirl Windy Five Days

Photo on L = normal right wrist / Photo on R = Tim's broken (& dislocated) right wrist

Sunday, Family Day for the Wards at Kaiser, Room 407

Cast of Characters:

• Tim Ward
• a dirtbike
• a trailer
• various hospital staff

Settings:

• Tim's new warehouse
• Kaiser Permanente
• NOT Hawaii
• our psyches

Time Period:

• 11 days before our VERY FIRST EVER 'faraway' vacation as a family

Plot:

• How to remain thankful amidst a major change of plans

This is one of those stories where the stars just do NOT align. But the dust has settled and we are ready to be thankful.

WEDNESDAY
On Wednesday, November 13th, between 3 and 4 pm, Tim called to say that instead of heading home for dinner he was en route to the hospital because he was pretty sure he'd just broken his wrist. After washing his dirtbike at the warehouse, he was riding the bike to put it away when his footpeg (okay, for you riders out there, it was technically the fork that) hit the trailer. The bike (and his right thumb) stopped while the rest of his body went over the handle bars.

Kraig in front, Tim scheming to pass

X-rays were taken, a Physician's Assistant, with help from some nurses, wrenched Tim's dislocated wrist back into place, wrapped a full arm cast over the broken bone, scheduled surgery for 10 days away - the soonest 'opening', tried to deal with 4 of us visitors, Dawson, Luke, friend Kraig and me (allowing only one at a time in Tim's room?!) and finally sent him home with pain meds.


And a special to nod here to Kraig who has remained an amazing friend to Tim - helping to find and build the best bikes, has overcome his loathe for hospitals more than once to be there for Tim and who is now left without a riding partner for the rest of this season. So very sorry!


THURSDAY
Adjusting to life as a temporary Leftie. Tim's right hand (the part peeking out of the cast anyway) was so swollen, his fingers looked like sausages and there were no discernible knuckles. He was also feeling lots of tingling and weird nerve fires along his arm. Tim and I made a trip back to the ER to see about releasing pressure from the cast.  A new set of Physician Assistant and nurses cut a slit along the whole underside of his cast which gave immediate relief but another restless night.

I spent this day phone calling, cajoling, begging, and pleading with Costco Travel, the hotel and airline, on how to rearrange a week long family vacation due to an 'unplanned event'. The moral of this story - let's all say it together in unison...ALWAYS BUY TRIP INSURANCE especially if you're married to Tim live-life-out-loud Ward. You cannot imagine the amazing endorsement I could provide to Travel Guard right now.

FRIDAY
The swelling and pressure was unbearable again. Tim couldn't move his fingers at all and the skin on his hand was tight and spongy, filled taut with fluid. We shoved a lego piece inside the slit to try and keep it pried further. He trekked alone to a different Kaiser location this time, for orthopedic issues in particular, where they cut another slit along the top side of the cast. Tim said this waiting room, full of arm and leg casts, was ripe with one-upsman stories and lots of jokes. While sitting with his arm up in the air, in cooperation with gravity to pull swelling from his hand, he heard someone from across the room say, 'Yes! Your vote counts!' Gratefully, no plaster could quell the funny bones in that place.

SATURDAY MORNING
After coaching Luke's soccer game (very mildly and with his arm in a sling the whole time, I promise - I was there!), Tim noticed a water blister on his thumb just under the cast. We cut open his cast once we arrived home to find blisters all over his arm. Weirdness and alarming. Straight back to the original ER only to be told that the blisters are a common occurrence for extreme swelling = that fluid has to go somewhere. Ugh! But the new cause for concern - after the FOURTH day in a row of hospital visits - was possible nerve damage from all the swelling. Ummm. The staff finally agrees to admit him immediately and surgery happens at 11pm this day instead of 7 days later as originally scheduled. Alrighty then.

Since he wasn't coming home, I drove to the hospital to give Tim some food (which he couldn't eat before surgery) and sit with him for pre-op. He shooshed me out eventually, uncomfortable with the whole care-receiving routine but not before I convinced the doctors to call me once he was out of surgery.

SUNDAY MORNING
The phone rang at 3:30am Sunday. The surgeon said things went well but he had to make 2 incisions, one, alongside his wrist, to put the plate and 6 screws in and another, at the base of his palm, to treat the nerve damage issue which he described being the same as carpal tunnel syndrome. He also told me, although fine to go home that same day, he wasn't going to release Tim until the NEXT day, Monday, since he'd gathered from all caretakers up to this point, that Tim is not the kind of guy who will go straight home to put his feet up while recovering.

This plan to 'cage' Tim worked - and the 3 of us spent Sunday with him in the hospital room. These are the pics in the collage above (except for the bottom left pic with full arm cast, taken on Thursday). Emily the nurse fed Tim a steady diet of preventative pain meds all day while we flipped through tv channels, made a trip to the cafeteria, talked and played 'Heads Up' on Luke's iPod (the Ellen DeGeneres version). You absolutely MUST have this app. It is worth so much more than $.99. OMG.
https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/heads-up!/id623592465?mt=8

I LOVED that Sunday together. I wasn't the one in physical pain and we got to be together, no sports or other activities involved, just the four of us, together, in one room. One of my favorite days in a long time.

We were able to reschedule our Hawaii trip for Spring break at the end of March. So that leaves us with a pretty wide open holiday week, with lots of quiet white space to fill - or not. Extremely thankful that the injury wasn't worse. Tim said he learned that sitting still doesn't make the world fall apart. This really is a huge admission for someone who doesn't love quiet or sitting still.

Currently, Tim has no feeling in his thumb or index finger (but can move them). Hopefully those nerves will eventually work properly. He will remain in a cast for 6 more weeks, has lots of stitches to remove and physical therapy to endure. Not likely that he will have 100% full use of that right wrist ever again but the surgeon thinks it will be close.

And in case you're wondering, I DID purchase trip insurance for the rescheduled trip in March.

Onward to more recuperating.

Everybody Go Surfing

More surfing pics, I know. Can't help it. It's what my guys are currently into. Having fun capturing the all the learning and enjoying the all physical ability. Maybe I can post a couple videos this time.

Dawson at the WaveHouse

Dawz practicing for the real waves ...

Tim's progress ...

Luke practicing also - watch for his trick near the end ...

Lessons by dad

And finally lessons by an instructor

Look out, summertime. They'll be ready...

10 Years of Soccer

Lil Dawson with his very first soccer coach, Auntie Mindy!

I watch the young boy bound onto the soccer field, a vastness of green and possibility. With bursts of energy he learns, accomplishes, smiles, excels and sometimes fails. In the beginning there was a propensity for grace and words that build...the building of skills, confidence and acceptance.

I take in the sights and sounds. There is laughter moving through the engaging atmosphere with arms raised high in triumph. There are tears of defeat and chins that dust the chests of boys whose hope is spent...an invitation for the whole, the group, the family of teamship, to envelope and encourage. We ride the balance of learning and experience, growth. Health. We are all in this together.

Time passes. I look again for the boy on the field. When he turns, there is the face of a young man, little boy faded, with questioning eyes. I listen and yearn to see balance. Shoulders drop while his eyes and concentration fly away to meet the clouds, the ever inviting clouds where peace lives. I see it. The searching for his place. The game goes on but his involvement does not. His cleated feet run around the field while his heart pumps to the beat of disengagement.

New sounds surround with the buzz of voices, deeper, darker, harsh. The tentacles of discontentment writhe over youthful souls - competing to take root in the doubting. These young men, THEY STILL SEEK SIGNIFICANCE in the name of a game, in front of peers and parents, in the presence of themselves. Has this family of gathering lost sight, lost grip, of how to answer questioning young athletes in the raw, as they grow and change, continuing to ask, 'Am I worthy of being encouraged, believed in?' The whole is quiet, the health is still. A balance tipped.

Changes. A daily journey toward the answer...isn't that what life is? Push and pull, skill and doubt, learning and confusion, acceptance and grace. Who will influence for good, for destruction? Whose voice will be louder? Where is the health born of a crowd, a family, a team united?

Competition, it is certainly here in this place - but it is along the sidelines and it is deafening.

*'Character Based Coaching' & 'Coaching for Excellence and Significance' 

VS. 

criticism, negativity, chastisement and judgment. 

This is fierce SPIRITUAL competition and THAT day finally arrives, the day this soccer player walks off the field without a glance back. Many lessons learned and character molded. Ten years of negotiating a soccer ball about his feet, his friends, the turf.  All done.

2003                                                                                           2013

Hello to new endeavors!

Grace. A breeding ground for growth and elemental in the acceptance of self. Grace VS. Judgment. We are all invited to the giving and receiving of grace toward each other in the competition brought each and every day. Which team within will I let win today? And you?

*http://www.proactivecoaching.info/proactive/

Happy Birthday, Aaron

I still remember where I was when I learned that you arrived into this world, 35 years ago today. I was 9 years old. I was in the backyard of a neighbor's house, sitting on top of a swing set when my mom walked across the alley to tell me the news. I ran home immediately to call dad to hear more details, your name, exactly when you arrived, how you and your mom were doing, etc. And when we could come meet you!!!

Oh man. I loved visiting you, holding you, playing with you and eventually feeding you french fries - one of your favorites.

Happy Birthday, little brother. I love you.
~Jill

Awards Tarnish & Emotions Are Contagious

A quiz for you in the silence of your head space.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, not all of us remember yesterday’s headlines.  These are no second-rate achievers.  They are the best in their fields. 
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. 

They simply are the ones who care the most.

(Philosophy of Charles Schulz, creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.) 

I copied this from an email I recently received from my dad - thank YOU, such a good one. And I'm reminded of its truths as I am having the very best, most amazing couple of weeks, receiving completely soul filling words from my friends as we read through our latest book club choice together. It seems they are enjoying the insights and unspoken challenges from the author to self reflect as much as I am. I feel a tad redeemed this month, with all these words, since I'm also responsible for choosing a book in the past for our club that was voted the least liked.

Such positive words from each who has responded - a total balm, even healing enough to smooth over the rips and tears through today's peace from the soccer parents' scowls, gripes, groans and sighs as the boys lost their game. EMOTIONAL CONTAGION - we unconsciously catch emotions from other people.

Loving my friends and all their input right now - thank you, girls!

A Deliberate Pace

I still have a head full of this author's insights and I'm loving her affirmation that it is okay to be in charge of my own pace - despite the rat race inside and outside of my head.  I think this might be my favorite quote from her book that I can't seem to stop blogging about, 'The Gift of an Ordinary Day.'

"...if I don't take the time to tune in to my own more deliberate pace, 

I end up moving to someone else's, 

the speed of events around me setting a tempo 

that leaves me feeling scattered and out of touch with myself."

~Katrina Kenison

And I love this, too, from 'The Parent's Tao Te Ching' by William Martin...

"Do you have agendas for your children that are more important than the children themselves? Lost in the shuffle of uniforms, practices, games, recitals, and performances can be the creative and joyful soul of your child. Watch and listen carefully. Do they have time to daydream? From their dreams will emerge the practices and activities that will make self discipline as natural as breathing."

Purposeful and Fulfilling

More tidbits from Katrina Kenison's book, The Gift of an Ordinary Day.

"Yet I know that if I really want to encourage my own two children to follow a course in life more purposeful than accumulating wealth, power and prestige, I must first acknowledge the value of such a life myself. I need to show, by my own example, that the path to fulfillment has but little to do with mastery and conquest and much to do with coming to know oneself, finding pleasure in everyday events, doing work that matters, living in community with family and friends, being loved and loving in return."

Luke & Toby

Toby, Dawson & Payton

Luke, Dawson & school friends

Dawson & Payton and our neighborhood horses

I love the sense of community we have here and our everyday activities and I'm grateful for faraway family. Of course, there is still LOTS of navigating how to get to the 'fulfilling' part of some of our activities, like how much angst to spend on a teen who struggles to get assignments done on time, to push or not for tighter, higher test grades, and configuring an explanation as to why we are finishing another sport season with a coaching style that doesn't necessarily match our parenting style.

I suppose it is still all about the LEARNING - for both us and the boys.

"Learning well doesn't always mean scoring high. It also means acquiring the tools necessary to take on the most challenging work of all - becoming the person you are meant to be." ~Katrina Kenison

So for now, to the teen with a less than stellar grade, I say, push harder the next time around, spend more time, more thought, more effort so that you can prove something to yourself. Find a way to be challenged to improve, even just a little. And then walk that paper to the shredder because it is ALL DONE and tomorrow is coming.

And to the preteen who happily bounded off the soccer field with a win to cheering parents but a coach saying, 'You shouldn't have won that game', I say, chin up and let's look at your singular performance. Learn to self evaluate...did you give your all? Did you run a little harder than last week? Did you talk to the other players and create plays together? Yes, yes, yes? Then let's go celebrate that and understand that coaches are people, too, imperfect ones, and even they can be confused by their own swirling emotions. We'll let him be the owner of that reaction today and not get sucked into it.

Bring on some more ordinary days! We're ready.

Searching

"The creation of self, it seems, even at this late stage of the game, 

is more a process than a project, 

more about opening and allowing than forcing and doing. 

Perhaps it does not have to be such hard work after all."

by Katrina Kenison, The Gift of an Ordinary Day.

http://www.katrinakenison.com/books/#ordinary-day

This activity, this surfing, it's gotten under Tim's skin. It is his current obsession - to the point that he has spent time shopping for a commuter car with respectable gas mileage to ease the guilt pangs - since the wave simulator lives 114 miles from our front door. There have been meetings, work trips and errands scheduled near this venue...any reason to get there...days off, unannounced escapes and family time too. Home away from home.

Turning 48, work demands, health challenges, a sore shoulder, torn muscles, fatigue. Contemplating worth, life's meaning, which of life's demands remain worthy of energy and attention? ... All things that feel heavy, for now, are immediately forgotten in the balm of cold water spray, competition and mental challenge. Physical exertion, learning new tricks and dreams of youth = Tim's elixir.

" ... perhaps (we) don't have to push at life quite so hard after all, 

that sometimes the best thing we can do 

is allow our lives to simply take us where we need to go."

~Katrina Kenison

Extraordinarily Ordinary

Taken from a book I'm currently reading ...

"I begin to view our time together differently, begin to see that stepping up to one's life adventure doesn't necessarily mean doing extraordinary things. It aslo means coming to understand that viewed in the right light, through the right eyes, everything is extraordinary." ~Katrina Kenison

Photos of my boys taken circa 2008. Sometimes, looking back, life seemed simpler then - when it felt natural to stop and take in these moments of happiness, play and being together.

We still have moments of happiness when playing together, it just seems different somehow. And it's all okay. I'm thankful for this author's insightful challenges on how to continually shape my attitude especially toward the simple and the ordinariness of these days spent at home as a mom.

I will be forever grateful to Tim for maintaining a lifestyle that has allowed me not to work while the boys are at home. I am TOTALLY trying to ignore the fact that these sweet days are numbered since the boys are now 11 and 13. Yikes!

"The ordinary acts we practice every day at home 

are of more importance to the soul 

than their simplicity might suggest." 

~Thomas Moore

Happy 40th Birthday, Mindy

August 2013

...trip to the beach, surprise visit from family, surf lessons on the wave simulator, cupcakes...someone to share birthday celebration with...Terry (Aug 5), happiness...

Although we've never seen the television version of Minute to Win It, here are some pictures of our attempts at a little family friendly competition. There were 2 teams in honor of the birthday guests, Team Terry and Team Mindy. We have no idea who 'won' really, but my goal was to laugh and play anyway.

 Belmont Park, Mission Beach, San Diego

Ode to Ann

Tim is always asking me what my goals are. I'm rarely able to come up with any. But THIS - Speak only words that make souls stronger - THIS is definitely one of my forever goals. If only!